Being An Autistic Introvert... Maybe

So, the title really explains what I'm going to talk about here, like many other autistics I like to think of myself as an introvert. But, am I really an introvert or do I just lie to myself. Well, let's dive into that and see what we discover. 

I don't have the best memory of my childhood if I am being honest these days. I don't know if that's normal or if everyone is like that, but that is neither here nor there. I had few friends in my early childhood, often my brothers and their friends would allow me to spend time with them and that was fine for me. I guess I didn't really have any friends back then of my own, although I did spend time with members of my family of around the same age. 

For the most part, I was happy playing games on my computer, sometimes I would play online but I mostly just played on my own. A number of different games over the years have graced my screen. From the old Warcraft Battle.Net edition to Runescape, Jeff Wayne's The War Of The Worlds RTS to Stellaris. I often like to play just one game, which I binge then move on to a new game when I'm done with that one. 

For the most part, this is the way my life was until around the age of 15/16 when I started to build some friendships with those around me. Towards the end of school life, I started to find a small group of people who I would consider friends. But, it wasn't really that I needed friendships, as soon as I went home I went back to my usual lifestyle of being alone. I ate in my room, played games, and did homework. And I was happy with that.

Yet when I was in school and later college I felt the need to pass time with the people around me. I guess it is only natural at the end of the day. As I got older I was pushed more to spend time with others by family. I went to my first real party when I was 18, before this I had been made to go to birthday parties, but not really out of choice. I felt rather out of sorts while at the party with drinking games and the like but for the most part, I had a good time. 

Throughout college, I had the same small group of friends, but after I left I didn't really talk to them anymore. Quite quickly I went back to my usual lonesome self. I don't mind this, in many ways I prefer this. After I was in college I took a year out. My mental health was really bad and most days I couldn't even go out the door. I was on disability benefit during this time and that meant even when I did feel like I could go out I didn't really have the spare money to do anything.

I decided eventually to go to university. And the next year that's exactly what I did. But, the class I was in was very small, only 12 people and for the most part we were all so busy that there wasn't much time to socialise. Despite this, I did make friends with one of my classmates. In many ways, it was this classmate that carried me through. 

Towards the end of my time at uni, I started to volunteer as a youth worker at the local youth centre. I fell in love immediately with the profession. I wish I could say that I made friends at work, and in many ways, I really tried. Although many of the people there went out on nights out and partied I just never felt like I was one of the family. 

Looking back I think it was the fact that I wasn't one of the family that led to me being made redundant. They made us all interview for our own jobs. Most of the people who were let go were the ones like me, who didn't go out on nights out or fit in with the party atmosphere. I do think my general lack of social interest has cost me many opportunities over the years. Which is a shame and something many of us with autism share. 

After I was made redundant my mental health took a dive. I withdrew from most people in my life, and although I was running a weekly autism support group I have to say that I was running it for other people not for myself. In the end, I went on to get a new job where I was working one on one with a client and in many ways, this fit me well. 

There was no complicated office politics to navigate, no expectations of me beyond that of being a responsible role model for my client. I did continue running my autism support organisation at the time and that was all I really needed. But, for the most part, I was not really making friends. I was in a situation in which I was in a position of trust and the people I was with were my clients. 

right now I would say I have a small group of people I would consider friends. Many of these are people I know online and have little if any possibility of ever meeting them in person. There are two people I know who are nearby and who I consider friends. but most of the time I simply talk to them online. I don't mind this. Sometimes I question if having more friends, in person, who I spend time with would be good. But I think for the time being I'm comfortable with the way things are. 

So... am I an introvert? Maybe, I have to say I'm not really sure as I have been this way my entire life. What do you all think? 

Thanks for reading,

Spec.