Why I'm Okay With Being Single

So, for the first time in a long time, I have been single for longer than a couple months. in the past I have found myself constantly needing to be in a relationship. In some ways, I was uncomfortable with being alone, but also there was some idea that I was failing if I was not in a relationship. As if somehow my value was related to being able to find someone who claimed they loved me. 

I think in order to talk about this subject it would be wrong to not talk about my relationships and how they went over the years. I believe that my early relationships affected the way in which I view the need for relationships. I will forgo talking about the few relationships I had in school, these were nothing but fanciful friendships and short in length. 

The first real relationship I had was with someone who we will only refer to as 'RM'. RM was younger than I was at the time, looking back this was the first issue, I was 16 and she was almost 15 when we got together. It was my first relationship and as such, I had no idea what was expected of me. No idea what I should have expected of her. The relationship was pretty innocent, I often stayed over at her house on the weekends but we slept in different rooms. All in all, it was a pretty decent time. The relationship ended because the truth was we were at different points in life. 

'CC' Was really where the start of my relationship woes began, I got into a relationship with this person knowing that she had many issues that needed to be worked on. I felt as if I needed to be there for everyone, to fix everyone's problems, to be the rock to whoever needed it. CC was really in a hard place at home, her mum was a rather unkind person and often took it out on her. The friendship started off as me being there to listen. Sometimes I would advise, but most of the time I would simply listen. 

It quickly became a situation in which CC was attracted to me, and the truth is I was desperate for someone in that way so I went with it. I guess things were never really going to go well looking back on it. CC was a relatively unstable person and often took this out on me. It led to a volatile relationship where I felt the need to protect her and she slowly unravelled. She quite quickly moved in with me and as she was 17 I took on the role of dealing with most of her things such as doctors and the like. 

The relationship ended not long after she tried to take her own life through an overdose. The reasons for this were complicated but to TLDR the situation she tried to move back in with her mum and it didn't go too well. The relationship was ended by her, someone started a rumour that I had cheated and she believed it. The funny thing was, I didn't cheat but this relationship ending was a really good thing for my mental health in the long run. 

So my next relationship was the first one that I really could say was a fair relationship. I was with someone who we will refer to as 'HP'. For the vast majority of the relationship, it was really good. Very positive, we spent lots of time together, we cared for one another and generally, it was pretty healthy. It was not perfect, however. HP was autistic like myself but in many ways was not as emotionally developed as me.

She really struggled when things got complicated or difficult. She wanted everything to be perfect all of the time and as I'm sure you all know this just isn't the case. We were together for over two years and even got engaged at one point. But, in the end, there was one unconsolable difference between us, I wanted kids and she didn't. this led to arguments towards the end of the relationship, I wasn't perfect, and due to my own issues and past relationships, I often was the one who sparked these arguments. In the end, the relationship just fell apart and although I was very hurt, it was for the best. 

CJR was really where looking back I question the point of being in a relationship. This was the first time that I would say I found myself in an abusive situation. I do plan to talk about this more in the future so I won't be going massively into details today. But, it was very much a situation in which I tried my best and was constantly shot down. As the relationship went on the abuse got worse and turned physical. 

It's sad for me to think back to this person as they were my high school crush. When we first got together it was like everything fell into place and my dreams came true. Unfortunately, that dream would turn into a nightmare. I was insulted and hurt; physically and mentally. They took advantage of me financially and generally just drained me. At the end of this relationship, I think was the first time that I realised maybe I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. 

The last relationship I was in started like the majority of the others. I was talking with someone who was struggling with their mental health and this led to them catching feelings for me and me being with them because I wanted to make them happy. In many ways, this relationship was great, friendly, caring, and pretty equal compared to my previous relationships. 

So, what happened? Well, this is a weird one, and I don't really know how else to put it than this. SD left me because her parents don't like disabled people who live in council houses... Yes, you heard that right. People who are disabled don't deserve to be in a loving caring relationship. I was dumbstruck when she told me the reason for breaking it off. 

Reflecting back I realise that I have subconsciously found myself finding people who needed fixing, those people who had struggles in any number of ways. I would then spend all my energy, as much effort as I could to put them in a position where they could work on themselves. I did this to the detriment of my own well-being. That's the cycle that would repeat over and over again. 

It's real hard to get out of the cycles that we as humans often find ourselves in. The biggest reason for this is we often do not notice the cycles. We often have many behaviours that are self-destructive, or simply less than ideal. We do these things over and over again and yet we are blind to them. Sometimes those cycles are substance abuse, other times it's the fact that we can't say no, accepting any shift at work when we need downtime and other times it's choosing the wrong person to love. 

I'm quite proud of where I am today, mentally. I have the ability to identify these types of behaviours, not only in relationships but in friendships and family too. I often have found myself taking time away from myself and the things I enjoy to fix things for others. I don't mind helping out when I have free time. But I will often end up ending stream early to do something, or not sleeping enough to meet social obligations. 

With all that said where do I stand when it comes to relationships in the future. I'm not going to say that I don't want a relationship. If it works out in the future that would be great. But I'm not looking for it. I'm not on dating apps or trying to find someone to go on a date with. If however, someone happens to come into my life and it feels right then maybe. But I will certainly be thinking much harder about these things and taking a more pragmatic approach in future. 

What about you all? How have you found navigating the world of love? I'd really enjoy sharing your own stories. 

Thanks for reading, 

Spec.