Experience from childhood

When I was at school. I didn’t really have any major behavioural problems. I enjoyed academia, but I struggled socially. I didn’t know how to connect with others. I would converse well with adults, but I was very aloof towards my peers.

I found other children difficult to understand. As a substitute for real friendships, I would create immense fantasy worlds in my mind. I would interact with imaginary characters and create my own make-believe scenarios. My fantasy worlds were extremely elaborate.

I didn’t understand how to relate to others. I was physically clumsy and would often avoid contact sports and physical activities. I became involuntarily selfish. I ignored others, I wasn’t hostile towards anyone, but I ignored other children. When other children tried to befriend me, I would talk to them, but I would quickly move away and make no effort to establish any connection. I was invited to birthday parties but I had such bad noise sensitivities and anxiety that would manifest through physical symptoms such as headaches and vomiting. I soon began to avoid parties.

Now that I am an adult, I regret not forming enough friendships during early childhood. I would like to apologise to anyone that I was ever indifferent to.

The school was very supportive. They assigned me to a lovely teaching assistant, who would support me with my social difficulties.

When I got older, I finally wanted to make friends, but I found it very hard to do so. Sometimes, I would miss social cues or say inappropriate comments. I had to learn social skills from the ground up. I sometimes feel like my childhood was lost, spent in a haze, as if it was a dream. I don’t want that to happen to any other children.

Thankfully now that I work as a teaching assistant, I can support children with SEN needs, and support them the best that I can. I also get to relive my childhood through them which is a tremendous privilege. It is really ironic that I can appreciate the simple things of childhood so much more as an adult.

On a positive note. I have much more life experience than I did as a child. I have learned the necessary skills to communicate well with others. What comes naturally to most people, autistic people must be taught, but we can learn the same skills.

Thank you for reading.

-Trance