something I posted somewhere

Sometimes I write long things here and sometimes short. I never really know which way it's going to go until I'm done writing.

I wish I had some terrible life to justify the way I feel. I wish I was being abused and bullied and hated on regularly to give me a reason. But there is no reason or rhyme.

Nothing has happened, life is the same it's always been and yet I just feel lost in an endless void. I don't feel happiness or joy, sadness or fear. I'm just... Existing, numb to the world, to people, to anything really.

I hurt myself last night, because I'm sick of my normal neurological pain, I just wanted to feel something, anything different to what I usually feel.

I tried to OD at the beginning of this month, didn't really work out, but I cant stop thinking about it. I can't stop imagining all the ways I could end this suffering. All the ways I could finally be free. 

No matter what I do, no matter if I do good deeds or bad, make someone laugh or cry, I just feel the same emptiness. What's the point in being alive if I never really get to live?