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Sunday, 16 September 2018

The Struggles

It has been so long since I posted here, I had this need to be positive and when I couldn't I just usually didn't post...

I'm struggling so much of late, and tbh, I'm just at my wits end with myself. Trigger alert, lots of negative talk about autism here. Maybe some swearing... I apologise in advance.

Here's the thing, you read so much about autism, half of it isn't even written by someone on the spectrum. But anyway back to myself.

I'm just so sick of me being me, I'm sick of the stress, I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed constantly, I'm sick of feeling scared to leave the house, I'm sick of feeling useless. Honestly... I just hate the fact that I can't even trust myself. 

I've spent the last hour sat here in tears because I really don't know what I want to do. I don't know how to cope with the rigours of adult life. I'm constantly worried about money, I need a job but I'm just so worried about that, I just can't take the rejection anymore. I keep snapping, at everyone, my friends, my mum even my partner, I'm constantly on the defense and I don't even know why. I find myself in tears far more often than you'd think. 

The truth is, I feel like my world is falling apart. It's likely I'll be losing my home sometime next year and I really don't think I can take that. When I was younger I was so sure of myself, I know what I wanted, I was content with my own company, I knew I wanted to work with computers. But now... I am just so desperate to work with people like myself. Young people who need support, because I know exactly how that feels, But yet even that seems impossible. 

I know I'm just going through a hard time, and I know it will all work out, but this anxiety is killing me. 

It hurts so fucking much everyday to know that I am failing the world, that I'm just not good enough. 

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