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Monday, 9 October 2017

A Night Out

On Saturday I had my first night out in a long time, Going out drinking has always been a strange experience for me. On the one hand, I like the fact that I am included and get to break free from these four walls for a while. But, on the other hand it’s a tangled web of possible social missteps, misunderstandings and sensory triggers.


If you would have asked me 5 years ago would I have ever been interesting in nightclubs, alcohol and big nights out I would have probably laughed at you. Me, nightclubs, loud music, flashy lights, lots of talking and people, but there’s something to fading into the darkness. The fact that no one can really hear me talk means I don’t insult anyone and alcohol really does help with anxiety.
Going out in this manner is a social minefield, I mean, lets face it, alcohol doesn’t really make people more understanding, loud noises don’t exactly make me calmer and often there is at least one person there you don’t know.

The truth is, I spend most of my days alone, I don' really have a need to be around others, to find comfort in the metaphorical embrace of another person. I have had to learn in my life other ways to find comfort within myself, not reliant on the whim of another persons timetable. In the past I have often been canceled on last minute and this is where I believe this sense of being content in solitude comes from.

I think my biggest fear is in fact when people I don’t know come along, they have no idea about my autism and I have no idea what kind of person they are. Then comes the dreaded decision, do I tell them or do I say nothing and hope for the best. Often, I go for the later, it they ask about me it often naturally comes up in conversation.

But all in all, it went well, I enjoyed myself and had a good night out.

Thanks for reading, and remember, a little acceptance can change someones world,


Ben.

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