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Monday, 3 November 2014

Reflection On A Rubbish Day

As some of you my know yesterday was a pretty rubbish day for me. It was just one of those days that made me wish I didnt have autism, that I was just NT.
When I think back to that wish it seems kind of silly, afterall wishing to be NT is the same as wishing I was a completely different person. That isnt saaying that I think all I am is autistic, but infact saying that having autism shapes the person you are. I have had to fight my entire life, weather it be fighting the urges that my impusive behaviour surfaces as or fighting to be understood. Life is hard, that is the simpliest fact on the planet. Recently I have been finding controlling my agression difficult, I'm not physical but I shout and that in turn ends up in arguments and im sick of arguing to be honest. The logical thing to do in this situation would be to just walk away but I can't, and right now I'm not exactly sure why. Not long ago I was asked by someone do I ever feel like I dont want to be here, and the honest answer to that would be yes, there have been many occasions that I wish I wasn't here. Many occasions that I think everyone else would be better off if I wasn't, but that doesn't mean that I was to end my life, it just means that I want things to be different, to be easier. For me, this has got to be one of the most honest and difficult posts I have written yet because I'm not writing it as a general post about autism, but as a post about my own life and feelings. I find it hard to express my emotions and even harder when I try to understand them. Many of us take forgranted the simple things that they we can do that many other struggle with. It wasn't until my chest pains that I realised that I take forgranted the fact that I can cycle a bike. There are many people out there who can't, it doesnt matter if they can because they're not safe, or the physically can't due to balance issues or physical disability. And there are many other things that I take for granted. What I want you to take away fromt this post is it's okay to wish you was different, it's okay to be angry at god, or the world or anything else because you are not the person you want to be, everyone else in the world does it at some point. But try to think of all the great things you can do that others can't, cook, bake, sing, cycle the list could go on for a while for me, what do you take for granted each day?

Thanks for reading and as always, remember a little patience can go a long way,

also, just so everyone knows yesterday we passed 2,000 page views, I honestly didn't think I'd be anywhere near that so soon, so thank you all for reading and I hope to see you all still coming back for more when we get to 3,000, 4,000 or even 5,000.

Ben.

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